Biznish - The Language of Important Business People
This is lesson 1 in Management-Speak, otherwise known as Biznish. I call it "Biznish" because it is linguistically related to English, as the individual words used are in an English dictionary. But within the business community, these words are often mixed together in strange combinations, bordering on "Gibberish" (also linguistically like English, but spoken by drunks, the insane, and rap artists). Some day, I will write a translation of Militish, which is very similar to Biznish, but is a dialect specific to military officers, and Governish, the dialect of government officials. All of these dialects of English have the same purpose, which is to communicate as little real information as possible, while at the same time casting doubt on the listener's ability to understand. This makes the speaker appear highly intelligent and informed, and the listener unable to even pose a reasonable question. The following are real examples of business language (Biznish). I am not making it up. I have tried to do the best I can to translate into something meaningful to regular people. If you find other great examples, please send it to me at cubie@encubicled.com. | Biznish | English |
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| Continued innovation drives operational excellence best practices | As screwed up as we are, at least we know we're screwed up. Hey - we're working on it! | | End-to-end streamlined automated work-flow | Endless redundant forms and websites to enter information into before proceeding at anything | | Global leveraged organization | We do lots of off-shoring | | Implemented programs/Initiatives to drive work force optimization | One mistake, you get replaced by someone overseas; good work, get a thumbs-up at Monday AM staff meeting | | Project Evergreen | If we ever have a quarter without profits, our CEO has a license to kill someone. | | The Mission Statement: XCorp delivers to our customers optimized, high quality and cost effective business solutions that are unitized and easily sold to existing clients and the marketplace to deliver high business value | We don't actually make a physical product, or a piece of software, or perform a specific service. We contract our people out to companies that do know how to do that stuff. | | Quality is job one! | We discovered that if our crap is just a little bit better than our competitors crap, we can get people to buy our crap | | Leverage tools, process, & technology best-practices to ensure a globally leveraged service delivery model and highly skilled workforce | When we don't have a clue about what we are doing, we buy a company that does, or outsource to them | | Drive a globally leveraged business model that creates unit costing & competitive analysis to drive up quality and drive down cost, resulting in high client satisfaction and thus increased demand | If off-shoring doesn't drive down salaries enough, maybe our guys still employed in this country will work their asses off to keep their jobs | | Communicate, communicate, communicate with our employees and our customers in a way that inspires collaboration, engagement & change | We're having another division-wide teleconference to drone on about quality and change | | Drive Operational Excellence and Problem Prevention through a focus on superior service delivered through service delivery that is seamless, integrated, measurable, auditable, repeatable & predictable | Somebody has been going to a Management Theory seminar again! | | Continuous improvement is a way of life | After the last CEO, we sucked so bad, anything new is now an improvement | | Appropriate match between people, tools, tasks & skills | We spent $30 million on new software tools that don't work, and reduced salaries by $30 million by using trained chimps | | Culture of excellence is fostered; employees are actively engaged | We get people to rat out their coworkers who don't measure up | | Eliminated process variation through streamlined work-flows | Some genius decided that the assembly line idea invented by Henry Ford a hundred years ago for making cars works for other stuff too |
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